Hello good people (and bad)… 
(Music at the bottom…)
I hope you had a nice weekend and are smiling and happy, because I’m smiling and happy here in my nice little home, and my weekend was quite lovely.
I am finally back to the groove and am now un-jetlagged. I have washed all my holiday clothes, performed all necessary domestic tasks, and have fully reclaimed my living space by re-arranging my furniture yet again.
Other than that, you ask, what have I been up to?
Well, I’m not pregnant or in trouble with the law or anything that spectacular, thank God. I haven’t been on a second date with Mr. Hot, though he’s called twice and asked me out again and I’ve said yes. It’s just been the usual stuff going on around here…
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Friday evening, Thabiso and I went out to Starbucks (yuck) to meet his friend M. who didn’t show up…
After which we left and went down to the waterfront, ate at a nice restaurant to celebrate his work promotion and stuffed ourselves mad. We came back here, ate mango sorbet (my favourite), played poker and talked till 1am.
Saturday morning, we went over to my cousin’s place and got into a very heated debate with her husband (the one who knows everything). I had asked Thabiso to come with me to drop off some spices my cousin wanted me to get her in Addis. My aunt and uncle were there, but the kids were gone to a neighbourhood birthday party and I didn’t get to see them.
It was nice to seeing my relatives, and they asked me all sorts of questions about how Addis was, though I wasn’t there for more than a couple of days. They haven’t been back in years, and my uncle and aunt want to go home now. They are old and tired of the West, but there’s no one there to take care of them if they return. All their kids are either here, or in the U.S. and aren’t planning on going back to Africa any time soon, if ever.
Anyway, so that was Saturday morning.
Saturday afternoon, we went to check out a fishing club we were hoping to join. Five minutes of an ‘interview’ and we knew we needed to look elsewhere. The guy there was shocked when two Black people walked in and he never fully recovered… So we asked a few polite questions, said thank you very much and left.
Being Black (and African) continues to be a very interesting experience living outside Africa…
Anyway, in the car, I told Thabiso that I didn’t think I’d be capable of gripping a fishing rod for hours on end waiting for something to bite and we might want to look for a new hobby elsewhere.
On the drive back, Thabiso asked me how my relatives in Kenya are doing now that Ocampo has the list.
I told him I am praying for them and hoping that finally, Kenyans will be rid of that entire lot of useless male politicians. The whole unbelievably useless, screwed up, soul-less and wicked lot of them.
Sometimes, Thabiso has accused me of being a semi-misandrist, but the truth is, I don’t hate men. I’m just averse to the bulk of African male politicians, because wherever they arise, poverty, stupidity and death surely follow in their wake. And I just don’t get why the bulk of women don’t get this.
Which is why I wish there were two Africas.
One for women, the other for men. And I wish a big, humongous, unnavigable and deep wide gulf separated the two.
How much do you wanna bet that the women’s Africa would be fertile, peaceful, prosperous, clean and good, while the men’s would be scorched, full of mindless nonsense, denuded, fear and hate-ridden, full of murder, wickedness and death?
And then, how quick do you think it would take before the men found a way to get to the women’s Africa and impose themselves on it and ruin it? And how hard-headedly they’d refuse to admit that they’d ruined it?
I keep saying and believing that when African women wake up and see the kind of power we have inside us, and accept that we are more powerful than that lot of men could ever be, that’s when all that stuff people are wishing and hoping for will come into being.
Other than that, put a male politician in place back home and you might as well kiss your future goodbye.
Or maybe I’m just being too negative…
So bear with me please. Sometimes, well…, maybe you’d just have to be me to know why I feel what I feel…
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Anyway, enough about that.
Today (Sunday) morning was family phone calls and brunch at our corner joint.
The guy in there asked me where I’d been and I told him Ibiza (I was wearing the t-shirt Mr. Belgium brought me). He was very impressed (because he likes that sort of thing) and had already started with the questions but I laughed and told him no, I’d been back home in Africa.
He’s a nice guy, though a little too eager for me. The kind of server who just won’t bring your food out and leave, he has to stick around and start making conversation and would pull up a chair if we let him.
The only waiter I really like is this kid at a Thai place we go to every once in a while. He’s very young and wild, and tells us all sorts of funny stories about his partying. He reminds us (me at least), of those days when life was madness and all action…
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Anyway, after brunch, we went over to Guy and Emerance’s place and got into our swimming gear and swam the entire lazy afternoon away. The pool is inside, and Charles came by and swam too, then we ate what Emerance had cooked and she gave us some really ‘hot gossip’.
She told us that a mutual friend – the wife of a snobby guy we all don’t like, might be having an affair with a man old enough to be her father, someone we all know too. Emerance found out because she was shopping at a boutique and who does she see walking into the hideaway restaurant across street, arm in arm lovingly with the older guy? None other than our mutual friend…
We all gasped, because she’s the last person we imagined could be having an affair so we all agreed that maybe, they’re just really close friends…
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Which leads me to this:
Why do people get married or stay married? How many couples are there are out there in which a partner has not cheated or wanted to cheat? And if they’ve cheated, how many have gone ahead and been honest about it with their other half?
While I was on holiday, my sis and I had some good long talks about love and relationships and she told me that the hardest work she’s ever done has been on her marriage.
And that’s saying a lot because my sis and bro-in-law have been together since she was twelve, even through the separation during which she did her first degree in the States. That’s a long time, and he loves her passionately, but it was very surprising for me to hear her say this.
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I asked her what she meant when she said ‘work’, and she said she meant ‘keeping it going and new’.
My sister is one of those very clever women who knew what she wanted out of life/marriage early on and got it fully (plus a man that’s even more head over heels in love with her than he was twenty years ago), so it was hard for me to imagine my sister having to work at her marriage, considering the fact that she doesn’t work at a profession anyway.
She’s much, much more emotionally strong than my brother-in-law, and really is the glue that holds their family together. And though he’s the third man I love most in life (after my dad and bro), if I’d married someone like him, he’d have driven me mad in two days.
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I think there’s two types of women:
The first is the kind of women who enjoy and need a man around. Women who need that constant male presence in their lives.
Some of these women are wise (like my sis) and know what to demand from that male presence and what not to tolerate…, and other women sometimes just need any type of male presence and will put up with all kinds of stuff because they never stopped to think that the male presence should come with a package consisting of other necessities you can’t compromise on.
Then there’s the a second type of woman, who enjoys men, but doesn’t desperately need them around. Or maybe I’m the only one like that, who knows?
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I mean, I don’t need men.
I like them, enjoy a certain type of them, don’t compromise whatsoever on the way they should be, behave and should present themselves in my life…, but I’ve never had to just have one around just because…
I like a guy that’s confident enough to let me have my way and space.
And I think I’m not alone.
I think there’s many more women like me, but they get caught up in ‘loneliness’ and in thinking they’re wrong and ‘strange’ for not fulfilling society’s expectations of them. And that’s sad, because they never really get to know their strengths, or end up getting bitter because they think they ‘lost out’… We just aren’t all the same, and we’re all not meant to walk down a similar path. In fact, I think most people don’t recognize that the most valuable thing you’ll ever possess in life is your own path, your own destiny.
I don’t even think most people realize that such a thing exists.
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It’s true, most of my super-close friends are men…
My bro and bro-in-law of course…
Thabiso, my other best friend H., my other best friend Flavien, and S. and his bro, and SM in C. Africa… I get on very well with a certain type of civilized (and very well-mannered), put-together, intellectually uninhibited, liberated and mentally ‘free’ man. And I’m glad I know my friends because they consistently make me have hope in the world, make me grow, I’m always at ease with them…, they just make me feel good all around… And they have morals, which is most-important. I just don’t do that whole immoral friend thing.
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During four days I spent with my dad on Leg 4 of my holiday back home, he said that he was very proud of all the stuff I’ve done in C. Africa, and that he was happy that I’m happy and not under all that previous pressure of being with my ex-fiancé. He said I look healthy and at peace, and that he can’t wait for me to be back home full time sometime next year.
I told him I can’t wait to get out of here and finally start working for myself, but he was busy planning on the many adventures he, my mom and I will be embarking upon.
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Anyway,
My trip home was good.
It reaffirmed a lot in me…., my strengths, ideas, beliefs…
A lot that I had been afraid of here flew out the window once I landed there and realized I’d been fretting over the wrong thing for too long.
I also came to fully understand that the best thing in life is that I accepted my path instinctively long ago, and that the luckiest thing is that I have a family that supports me, and that I can talk to.
I also realized that all the years I’ve spent cultivating friendships with solid, moral, good people have paid off.
Whoever said life was about the baser stuff lied.
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Mid-July already. My birthday’s ‘round the corner.
You better smite down your enemies this week, so you won’t have them around next week!
Be good!
(Love her!)
Another marriage model that is not discussed is what the former mistress of Pablo Picaso Francois Gigot and Jonas Salk had. There is space for each to be independent. Beware the video is around 50 mins.(http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8711999471503378085&ei=HapbSrzuGo-2rQKsubmHAw&q=francoise+gilot+charlie+rose). Both secure in their own lives. I have seen such marriages, and at home, but many “hide” and pretend.
Actually, most men want to think they are needed but do not really want a woman who needs a man (I am a man). It is too much work, being responsible for another adults inner life. How many times have I heard many complain the woman is too needy?
Lovely post. I love the way you bring us into your mind as you wander back and forth.
The thing that got to me most, why do people get married? Personally I think its a variety of reasons, most of which are selfish if you ask me.
There’s the people who get married because it “ups” their status (especially here in Africa), there’s those who just want kids and the men who want an “in-house househelp”, there’s the woman who wants someone to fund a lifestyle she can scarcely afford, all sorts of people with all sorts of reasons.
Sometimes I think its because most people cant stand their own company and the easiest way to avoid dealing with the underlying issues of inadequacy and “aloneness” is to be with someone else on a constant basis. What they forget is that loneliness is a state of self. Its possible to be lonely in a marriage or in a multitude of people.
Then there’s of course “conformity”. African society expects us to get to a certain age and get married. So we do. Just. It’s sick.
Either way, marriage scares the daylights out of me!!
Hey K.
I have no idea either why people get married. I will know when I get tied down. I really want a mini me though and that will probably be one of the reasons. My fear usually is the forever bit. What if I can’t stand somebody after two days as you put it?
And honestly, when I do get married, I am marrying somebody who shoots straight. I am clueless in this hints games that all my previous girlfriends played.
And K. There are a few good men out here. I swear I will do my part in cleaning up the rot in this country though I will probably die trying. Those who have tried it have stopped bullets with their heads and are now dead and gone.
When family is behind you, Ideas get wings. All the best with your projects.
T
Hi Kaasa, glad it’s going well. Nice set of musings here, and I must admit I sometimes stand out on that semi-misandrous edge with you. LOL at smiting the enemy, it reminded me of the movie The Ladykillers which has cracked me up all 10 times I’ve watched it
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Accepting one’s path… now that’s something they should teach in school. It would certainly save many years of attempting to conform when ‘it is (not) written’.
Thing to remember with relationships (friends, siblings, parents, colleagues, servers) is that they take lots of work, and go through cycles, so they had best be worth it! I’ve stopped weeping for clueless women (and there are many that are clued-in in a guerilla warfare sort of way which makes them appear powerless to the naked eye, but upon closer examination they’re wielding their, using guilt and society’s expectations of African masculinity to soundly trounce their male “dominaters”) ’cause life’s too short and there really are good people. Now… where to find them?
Rox, there are folk who get married ’cause they really want to be with each other
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Marvin, leadership doesn’t have to end in blood and gore ’cause there’s leading from the front and there’s leading from the back. Think what distinguishes the two is personality and ego. Far as I know, those who’ve led from the back have lived very long and (relatively) satisfying lives. Find a few and ask ‘em
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Rista,
I agree with you, there are people that genuinely like each other and who enter into marriage for all the right reasons. If you are one of those and somehow are lucky enough to meet a like-minded, honest person, then you can be sure of complete happiness. And I do know of such people, bless them. Sadly they are the exception rather than the norm.
My point is, people too often let external factors lead them into decisions that they are not ready for or have not thought out well or are not entirely their path/destiny in life. Rapidly-ticking biological clocks, money, status, loneliness, society, family pressures, fear, etc.
Those who genuinely and keenly follow their hearts to make sound judgements are few but happy.
P/s: I’ll admit though that my analysis is quite pessimistic. But looking around me, marriages that I know paint a gloomy picture.
Have a sunny day, wont you?
poupette
bon, alors t’es ou en ce moment?
tomorrow je suis à metz ….
gros bisous.
Hello everybody
@Lovingit,
Hello again!
You say:
“Actually, most men want to think they are needed but do not really want a woman who needs a man (I am a man). It is too much work, being responsible for another adult’s inner life. How many times have I heard many complain the woman is too needy?”
See, that’s the thing… most men do need to feel needed, and because of this (I think) they tend to attract and marry needy women, subconsciously or consciously…
It’s so funny, whenever I have known of men that cheat on their girlfriend’s/wives, more often than not, they’ve cheated with a woman they say is ‘independent’. “I like that she’s independent” is usually the reason they give for being with a mistress…
Funny thing is though, that they probably wouldn’t have married the independent woman in the first place, because they wouldn’t have felt ‘needed’ by her… They only realise that she’s what they needed the whole time, after they find themselves in a lousy marriage.
Also, is it that men want to feel needed, or that their masculinity is somewhat ‘threatened’ by a woman that obviously doesn’t need them?
(Thanks for the link. I love Charlie Rose)
@Rox,
Hello Miss! Thanks for dropping by
I agree with a lot you say.
And, the underlying factor (in my opinion), a lot of the time, is that many people – both men and women – especially in Africa, are just fulfilling expectations and are too afraid to carve out their own destiny. In fact, they’d rather screw up their lives and that of their unfortunate spouse because they are mortified by the thought of being their own person and going against the grain.
@Mr. Tumbo,
Sasa Marvin?
I laughed when I read your bit about the ‘hint’ games some women play.
I think the biggest problem in Africa, is that people get married too young. For instance, what on earth do a 27 year old man and his 23 year old wife know about themselves, their emotions, life, personal responsibilities (I mean responsibilities they have to themselves as individuals), the larger world, their role in the surrounding environment etc?
I don’t think enough time is spent on the individual…, not enough time battling and learning one’s own self…
And like Rox said, a lot of people are afraid of dealing with that kind of thing: the self. So they end up shacking up with another and deflecting onto the partner. They end up in the all too common situation where married life is all about pointing out the other person’s ‘faults’. “My husband is a useless drunk…”. “my wife nags me all the time” bla, bla…
It’s easy and convenient to have someone to blame for your situation because it removes the focus from you… sometimes when looking at marriages where couples are constantly at each other’s throats, I have to wonder what really drove them to uniting…
And about getting a mini me, don’t be in a rush.
I myself am looking forward to getting three Kaasa Juniors to back me up so we can terrorize the world some more, but I’m not in a hurry
@Rista,
Hehehe. I loved ‘The Ladykillers’ too
Of course I agree with all your points though I think that sometimes the ‘choosing your own path’ maxim can go to far and make people do some really immoral stuff and fall off the cliff, especially in this age when there’s like zero personal responsibility and everyone’s just me, me, me and my feelings…
Too much has gotten off track in the world today because there’s this momentum of jacked-up crazy people following their own crazy ‘destinies’, you get?
@Soufiane,
…ici à Vancouver…
Metz?? O lala… hehehehe.
Bises xx
Hi Rista
It is not even the leadership from the front that I am talking about. I am talking about that cop who was shot in the head because he had become uncomfortable with the extrajudicial killings he had done with his colleagues. He had done several taped interviews with KNHRC before they got to him. Doing right in our individual capacities is becoming problematic to those around us and they usually react with a gun. As things stand, whether front or back, it will probably end with a bullet.
But since I can consider myself as leading from the back, I guess I will live for a while longer. I might just leave this country for good as well especially if I get kids.
I will look for the few and see what they have to say
You know Marvin,
You shouldn’t be a fatalist.
People act the way they do (especially with those guns) basically because they’ve run out of ideas.
Kenya in my view, is in a state of statis because of this. A large swath of society just doesn’t have original ideas anymore.
This breeds frustration, fear, anger… it has more to do with how individuals are feeling inside, than ‘corruption’ or the ‘economy’ or whatever.
But you have your own original ideas and way about you… honestly, you’re such a breath of fresh air
And because of this, you won’t be a statistic.
At least, that’s my very biased (but still true) opinion.